Day 48 - Brené Brown

Inspiration and Joy

In the fall of 2011, I attended a psychologist-facilitated Book Club. The book that we studied to “kick off” what would become a years long supportive tool, was “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are”, by Brené Brown. 

I had found a superhero—in every day clothing.

The book—I swear—was written with me in mind. Hustling for worthiness, and perfecting my life before revealing it to the world had become the way I lived, and struggled to live. Brené Brown writes, “Each day we face a barrage of images and messages from society and the media telling us who, what, and how we should be. We are led to believe that if we could only look perfect and lead perfect lives, we'd no longer feel inadequate.”

Perfection had been rewarded for me from a very early age. When I came home with a good test score, I couldn’t wait to tell my dad about it.

“Dad, I got 17 out of 20 on my math test,” I’d said with pride. 

“What happened to the other three questions?” he asked. 

I tried harder. In post-secondary school I achieved success beyond even my dreams. My dad was no longer around to see it--he had left us in my early teens. 

Of course I told my mom too, but her supportive response has not stuck in my memory. Life is like that, our own failings, as well as those perceived by others stick with us. My husband Ward worked for a lengthy period with a family whose mother died because of medical error, a painful tragedy. One of the daughters told him, “Long after I’ve forgotten what they [doctors] said to me, I remember how it made me feel.”

When I started working as a Respiratory Therapist at nineteen, I worked hard, and signed up for all kinds of unpaid “volunteer” opportunities to train, or to teach—to perfect my skills. I enjoyed my job, and my work ethic paid off. The harder I worked, the more work I was given. I received promotions and opportunities to work in a variety of areas in my sixteen years in healthcare. 

Parenting brought with it another opportunity for me to "study" ways to perfect my skills, so that my inadequacies could be disguised. 

“In a scarcity culture where “never enough” dominates and fear has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It’s even a little dangerous at times.  And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there’s a far greater risk of getting criticized and failing. But when we step back and examine our lives, we will find that nothing is as uncomfortable or dangerous as standing on the outside of our lives and wondering what it would be like if we had the courage to show up and let ourselves be seen. [...]

And the thing is, vulnerability is not about fear or grief or disappointment. It's the birthplace of everything we're hungry for—joy, faith, love, spirituality….” (Brenè Brown).

I want to be courageous.